I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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