I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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