from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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