If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
operation have a gay friend backfired
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
