I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
