Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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