i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I wish there were birth control emojis
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
