I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
