I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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