After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
