I heard we made out
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
