He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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