Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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