Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
