Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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