God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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