You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
