I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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