It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
