this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
