when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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