first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
