She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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