Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
