I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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