I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
