worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
