I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
