Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
