I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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