so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
