I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
