She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
