Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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