You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
How external is "for external use only"?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
