his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
