there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
