toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
pop tarts are not kleenex
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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