getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
