The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
