I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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