Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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