I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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