WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
