I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
