my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
