My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
