whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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