Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
