Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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