Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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