I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
