I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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