It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
