It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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