What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
